Dear sexy diary #456.123
Sitting at the desk drinking bad wine, I don't know how to drink but im trying to learn.
The mother is asleep in the Danger Beans bedroom. shes gonna make a big ham tomorrow, this is very exciting for her.
I dont really want to eat more ham because Diddy made a big wonderful hammer for xmas (I got to pick the foods and I chose ham). Diddy says I have to let her make the ham and make it however she wants. He says thats her gift to me and it makes her happy when she gets to do stuff like that for us, even when its stuff we dont really want. He said thats my gift to her, encouraging her to cook the ham however she likes and loving every delicious hammy bite. I was surprised when he said all that, I hadnt thought of it that way, at all.
I have also started to feel somewhat guilty for the eating of ham. The sisters Shadley both spent time telling me how smart little piggies are and how it makes them feel weird to eat them. And now I am sort of starting to feel a little bit weird about eating it too. I dont know that I will ever feel weird enough to stop the eating of the bacon, I like bacon more than a little bit, but thats ok because I dont eat it often at all.
I am trying to find a creative endeavor that will give my miserable soul some sort of self worth. Its tough as shit to do this. I googled "I need a hobby!" and "Fuck Im bored". These resulted in things that were not terribly helpful but I read them anyway, I am trying to get into the spirit of things after all.
My days are full of wonderful quality time with the Bean and thats great and all, but it severely limits what I can do. We hang out with each other downstairs in the living room for most of the day. The doggies hang out with us too but mainly they sleep snuggled up on the couch. In the summer or at least not the dead of fucking winter I can toss the babe in his little corvette stroller and we can walk for a few hours (and sometimes look at pretty girls).
But in this colder than a witches tit weather we cant really go out, little people arent good out in bitter cold. So its in the house all day for us and there are only so many movies I can watch or stupid video games to occupy my time. Blocks, shapes, caterpillar toys, bowl and spoon drums are great and all but I need something more sub sub sub substantial. oh yeah I read loads and loads but I read to much and run out of books.
I have actually taken to cooking most days as a way to feed our hungry little mouths and give us something to do. He loves scrambled eggies and cheese and I love biscuits and gravy. I heart breakfast a lot and by proxy so does El Beano. I dont have any clue if proxy is the right word but I am gonna use it anyway because its a bad ass word. Most times I will actually cook more than we need because it feels good, also it gives me another pan to wash and doing dishes makes me feel productive. thats sad and dumb but what the H can you do?
The wife and I have been going through a pretty horrible, dreadful, life changing rough spot for the last many many years. And we can't figure out if we should keep going and hope for the best or if we should say F it and move on before we get to damned old. She said something along the lines of life is to short to not be happy, and that made me stop and think about that. life really is to short to not laugh as much as possible and smile like a crazy little spider monkey (I apparently love the word little). I dont know what to do about the love life situation but I know that I want to smile and laugh more.
what else is there to ponder while I am in such a delightfully pondering sort of mood. Friends. I need some damned friends. I have a few but they are more friends by default than people I actually care a lot about. Thats most certainly a disservice to them but I cant imagine they feel very differently about me. that sounded melodramatic, its really not meant that way at all. We hang out when the mood takes us and text a few times a week but thats about it. Theres really no special connection there. I had mucho many friends before we moved to columbus but I pretty much let those lie fallow for to long and they went away.
I cant seem to make new friends where I am right now. Which is not to say people dislike me, I am a little fluttering social fucking butterfly. I am very good at making people feel good about themselves and everyone likes that (I am a personal cheer leader, ra ra ra go you!). I get the real life friend invites and the hey lets go do somethings but its never with people who make me feel good about myself. That feels trite but I dont know how else to put it.
Ok I reread and thats a lot of downers we need some uppers.
I have one newerish friend but she lives really far away but its still fun having that. I have a beautiful little baby boy whos going to be a year old in a few days and thats awesome. I walk into the room and he smiles really big and puts his arms up so daddy can grab him and swing his little monkey ass around. he gives me lots of smiles every day and how can that not make you smile right back, I do, every time i hope. Oh I also got a totally gay pair of new snow boots which rule but I so dont have the style necessary to wear them. there is a funny story there too but I think it has to wait, it does involve a gun store though.