Wednesday, January 27, 2010

ok so simon has a high chair that we put him in for dinner and when we need to either run upstairs or downstairs or to run outside for a smoke. So i put the little bean in his high chair which happened to be next to the dining room table. i go smoke. coming back in I see that hes actually sitting on the dining room table eating a little cup of dog food that we keep on the table as treats for the dogs. after grabbing his punk ass off the table and putting him safely on the carpet I sat down and laughed and laughed and laughed until the tears were just a streaming. it was kind of fucking awesome and funny and wonderful. his chubby little hands shoving the dog food in his chubby little mouth. Love it!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Bippity boppity boo

Got nothing but I should write something anyway.
Today simon and I had scrambled eggs with cheese of course. Pork chop bits, wonderful greasy crispy hash browns with onions in them. He's trying to climb up my leg right now and play with the keyboard, he looovvveesss the damned keyboard, he just smashes his little chubby fists on it. and now hes pestering poor little henry, the pup pretends he doesnt like it but I think he secretly does.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Dear Stinky diary

Tonight I watched what just may be my favoritest movie ever in the history of favorite movies. I wish I could say it was some weird and old classic film that would somehow make me more cool for having it be my favorite, or perhaps some cult classic that only a few people would know what I was talking about. Hell no its a mother fucking will ferrel movie bitches.

Stranger Than Fiction. I am not totally sure why the damned movie moves me quite so much but it does, every single damned time. I think this was my fifth time seeing it and its just as powerful as the first time I saw it. I know a lot of its the love story part of the movie. I just wanna cry every time he brings her the box of flours and simply says "I want you". I mean that simple phrase and gesture says everything and says it with so much fucking vulnerability and yearning. I love it! And oh my goodness miss maggie G is so balls out hot and spunky and weird, she makes me wanna bake cookies with her, naked of course with lots of sprinkles and peanut butter. I think she would totally be into that.

I watched it with the Mama as we both drank bad wine and ate cold pizza and laughed and wanted to cry. it was good shit. We went out to the back porch with our crappy wine and smoked cigs and laughed about the movie. Most times she drives me crazy but then we have moments like that where everything clicks and its happy fun time. I like those times.

tomorrow we are gonna watch what just might be my second most favoritest movie ever which is Waitress. Which oddly enough makes me wanna bake too but this time its pies pies pies.

haha I am such a big hairy pussy. I love my romantic movies they make me feel good and happy and warm.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Smart ham with a side of cabin fever

Dear sexy diary #456.123

Sitting at the desk drinking bad wine, I don't know how to drink but im trying to learn.

The mother is asleep in the Danger Beans bedroom. shes gonna make a big ham tomorrow, this is very exciting for her.

I dont really want to eat more ham because Diddy made a big wonderful hammer for xmas (I got to pick the foods and I chose ham). Diddy says I have to let her make the ham and make it however she wants. He says thats her gift to me and it makes her happy when she gets to do stuff like that for us, even when its stuff we dont really want. He said thats my gift to her, encouraging her to cook the ham however she likes and loving every delicious hammy bite. I was surprised when he said all that, I hadnt thought of it that way, at all.

I have also started to feel somewhat guilty for the eating of ham. The sisters Shadley both spent time telling me how smart little piggies are and how it makes them feel weird to eat them. And now I am sort of starting to feel a little bit weird about eating it too. I dont know that I will ever feel weird enough to stop the eating of the bacon, I like bacon more than a little bit, but thats ok because I dont eat it often at all.

I am trying to find a creative endeavor that will give my miserable soul some sort of self worth. Its tough as shit to do this. I googled "I need a hobby!" and "Fuck Im bored". These resulted in things that were not terribly helpful but I read them anyway, I am trying to get into the spirit of things after all.

My days are full of wonderful quality time with the Bean and thats great and all, but it severely limits what I can do. We hang out with each other downstairs in the living room for most of the day. The doggies hang out with us too but mainly they sleep snuggled up on the couch. In the summer or at least not the dead of fucking winter I can toss the babe in his little corvette stroller and we can walk for a few hours (and sometimes look at pretty girls).

But in this colder than a witches tit weather we cant really go out, little people arent good out in bitter cold. So its in the house all day for us and there are only so many movies I can watch or stupid video games to occupy my time. Blocks, shapes, caterpillar toys, bowl and spoon drums are great and all but I need something more sub sub sub substantial. oh yeah I read loads and loads but I read to much and run out of books.

I have actually taken to cooking most days as a way to feed our hungry little mouths and give us something to do. He loves scrambled eggies and cheese and I love biscuits and gravy. I heart breakfast a lot and by proxy so does El Beano. I dont have any clue if proxy is the right word but I am gonna use it anyway because its a bad ass word. Most times I will actually cook more than we need because it feels good, also it gives me another pan to wash and doing dishes makes me feel productive. thats sad and dumb but what the H can you do?

The wife and I have been going through a pretty horrible, dreadful, life changing rough spot for the last many many years. And we can't figure out if we should keep going and hope for the best or if we should say F it and move on before we get to damned old. She said something along the lines of life is to short to not be happy, and that made me stop and think about that. life really is to short to not laugh as much as possible and smile like a crazy little spider monkey (I apparently love the word little). I dont know what to do about the love life situation but I know that I want to smile and laugh more.

what else is there to ponder while I am in such a delightfully pondering sort of mood. Friends. I need some damned friends. I have a few but they are more friends by default than people I actually care a lot about. Thats most certainly a disservice to them but I cant imagine they feel very differently about me. that sounded melodramatic, its really not meant that way at all. We hang out when the mood takes us and text a few times a week but thats about it. Theres really no special connection there. I had mucho many friends before we moved to columbus but I pretty much let those lie fallow for to long and they went away.

I cant seem to make new friends where I am right now. Which is not to say people dislike me, I am a little fluttering social fucking butterfly. I am very good at making people feel good about themselves and everyone likes that (I am a personal cheer leader, ra ra ra go you!). I get the real life friend invites and the hey lets go do somethings but its never with people who make me feel good about myself. That feels trite but I dont know how else to put it.

Ok I reread and thats a lot of downers we need some uppers.

I have one newerish friend but she lives really far away but its still fun having that. I have a beautiful little baby boy whos going to be a year old in a few days and thats awesome. I walk into the room and he smiles really big and puts his arms up so daddy can grab him and swing his little monkey ass around. he gives me lots of smiles every day and how can that not make you smile right back, I do, every time i hope. Oh I also got a totally gay pair of new snow boots which rule but I so dont have the style necessary to wear them. there is a funny story there too but I think it has to wait, it does involve a gun store though.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

from back when he was really new

Me Simon and Uncle Matt went out and ate at our favoritest Chinese restaurant today. My goodness was it an experience.

I wedged him and his car seat into the booth. Within five minutes of sitting down the first little old lady showed up. She went a little bonkers and crazy and just could not stop repeating how beautiful he was. She stayed for a few minutes before going back to her own table. In the background we kept hearing someone speak with one of the robot voice box things, it was weird.

A few minutes later the next little old lady came by. This lady was awesome, she told us all about what it was like having twins way back in the 50's and how its so different to be a woman and a woman with kids these days. And she told stories about her paternal twins and her daughter that she had later. The whole time shes talking ive got Danger Boy on my lap drinking and burping. She was 72 I think, she stayed and talked to us for a good 20 minutes or so, while her husband was in the lobby reading a magazine.

As we were walking out this little woman in her forties who couldn't have been more than 4 feet tall ran up to us and begged us to show Simon to her mother. I said sure why the heck not. We go over to the table and it turns out that her mom is the one who is using the robot voice box thing. I had never before actually been spoken to by someone with a robot voice box thing. Oh my god it was fucking insane. She was so excited about seeing Simon that she was talking really fast and hearing the weird robot voice box saying “oh my god hes the most perfect baby in the whole world” really really fast in its weird robot voice was fucking wild. And then she was doing the normal “whos a good boy”, “your so beautiful”, “I bet your so proud” thing and the whole time its in this weird ass robot voice, it was definitely one of the stranger and cooler things that ive seen.

F punctuation

a little birdie made me do it

So today the danger bean and I went to the fabulously horrible never to be eaten again in this lifetime chinese buffet that is a mere 5 minute walk from our house. As I was pushing his stroller through the restaurant to escape the disaster that had been lunch this little Indian woman reaches out to the stroller as we near her table. I dutifully pull the stroller over because I am all about making peoples lives a little bit brighter by letting them ogle the bean. She reaches out and I am all like woah shes actually going to touch him, do I stop her, should I smack her hand and then run leaving her to cry over her soggy rice noodles? Turns out she is only covering his pretty pink little feet that are peeking out from under his blankie. She then says (looking at him) and I quote "he is so pretty, he is so pretty, I love you, he is my friend" I felt like I should probably give her a hug or something but I settled for patting her on the shoulder and telling her to have a wonderful day. Needless to say this made the whole dreadful bit of dank sewage that was our lunch totally worth it and I smiled the whole way home.